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Religion Tackles Domestic Violence Abused women often turn to their parishes, but are their parishes prepared to help them? Catholic Digest April 2002 © by Gary Legwold Ann's husband put a lock box on the thermostat. He adamantly refused to let her control the heat in the house. If she tried to turn up the heat, he beat her. He beat her if she went to gas stations he did not approve of or if she wanted to operate the television's remote control; he had to hold it, always. She had to call home before leaving work, and heaven help her if she was a minute late. "He had to be in control of every situation," says Ann. The physical, verbal, and mental abuse went on for 10 years before Ann found help. She had suffered silently, trying to make the marriage work for the sake of her two children. She found a way to go to a psychotherapist but was too ashamed to talk about the abuse. There were dark moments of police removing her husband from her house, restraining orders, and, finally, divorce. But her shame stopped her from seeking spiritual help. She was Catholic and good Catholics, she believed, just didn't do divorce. Then a friend saw a notice about a divorce-and-separation group in the bulletin at Epiphany Catholic Church in Coon Rapids, Minnesota. Ann joined the group and later heard about a church nurse who was associated with a hospital program that helps prevent domestic violence. In this setting, Ann was able to open up about the abuse. "I just found it easier to spill my story at the church," she says. Not only was it healing for Ann to tell her story, but also to hear comforting words. "I was told it's OK, God doesn't think less of me because of the abuse or divorce. That God loves me no matter what and wants me to be safe." The shelter of the church Ann received relief because of a church-hospital alliance against domestic violence. This alliance, called the Anoka County (Minnesota) Faith Community Peace Initiative (ACFCPI), includes Mercy & Unity Hospitals and six churches from a variety of denominations. As part of this six-year-old program, churches establish an office for a nurse who, in addition to handling the normal health issues in the congregation, also provides information and aid for people dealing with domestic violence. The program includes training for clergy and staff as well as brochures, posters, and manuals about family violence. ACFCPI is funded by a $33,000 grant from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, $22,000 from Mercy & Unity Hospitals, and $2,000 from the Allina Health System Foundation. Lyla Pagels, ACFCPI coordinator, says the program evolved from three somewhat surprising statistics. In the mid-1990s, the No. 1 public health problem in the county was domestic violence. This explains the hospital side of ACFCPI. The church side stemmed, in part, from a study of 1,693 rural Minnesota women. The study searched for barriers to survivors obtaining help from health care providers. Researchers found that nearly 32 percent of the abuse victims said "I would rather rely on God to help me," suggesting that clergy and faith communities need to understand the dynamics of family violence and recognize their role in supporting survivors and steering them to community resources. This need for clergy and faith communities to understand family violence is supported by research showing that, while clergy stated their training in counseling was lacking, 84 percent had counseled abuse survivors in their pastoral work. Abuse of scripture Unfortunately, clergy counseling of survivors has been a mixed bag. "Clergy will sometimes respond to the abused women that she should think of her marriage first, or forgive and forget, or stop doing what she is doing that is egging on the abuser," says Pagels. What's worse is when clergy use the Bible to blame the victim. Rev. Sharon James Fazel, co-minister at First Congregational United Church of Christ in Anoka, says churches have struggled mightily to shed their "notoriously patriarchal past where there was a presumption of male superiority." Despite successes in the struggle, this presumption all too often plays out as punishing news for women being counseled by clergymen. This is especially true when out-of-context or incomplete Biblical passages are used to perpetuate the violence. Two examples:
Not covered in seminary Facing domestic abuse is not always easy for a faith community. There may be denial that the problem exists ("not in our congregation!") or a hesitancy to get involved in an issue that goes on behind closed doors—one that is tough even for police to handle. "There can also be a feeling by clergy that this is not covered in seminary," says Pagels. Domestic violence is a complex issue that can catch concerned-but-uninformed clergy and staff off-guard. "I sometimes hear them remark, ‘Whoa, what would I say? I am not trained to be a counselor in domestic violence.' I tell them they don't have to know it all, and that our program offers suggestions on how to respond as well as other tools and resources that can help victims and abusers." The ACFCPI program emphasizes that there are no quick fixes for family violence. Sure, the program raises awareness; provides definitions and characteristics of survivors and abusers; offers information on safety, crisis counseling, spiritual support, interventions, and treatments; and lists community resources. However, clergy and staff should not overestimate their ability of provide help; they are not professionals. "They have to recognize their limitations," says Marlene Jezierski, RN. At the same time, they should not underestimate how healing prayer and love can be to all involved in family violence. "Victims often feel there is no God for them," says Jezierski, an ACFCPI violence prevention educator. "It is important that churches say, ‘God loves you and is there for you and does not want you to be hurt.' This kind of response helps create a safe place"—which is what survivors sorely long for. Fazel's church is small; she considers the congregation of 350 members to be a "big family." She and her staff are spread thin, and it would be tempting to pass over the problem of family violence as a does-not-apply-here issue and just deal the basics of the church. That is, until someone shows up at the door and says she got beat up last night. "This is not just an issue for pastors," says Fazel. "This is an issue of the congregation, of the people, of the church. It is complex but it distills down to the raison d'etre of the ministry; we are here to help and care and pray." A church's clergy and staff, like everyone, have only so much time and resources, says Pagels. "There is a lot going on in churches, and dealing with family violence may seem like adding one more thing to the mix. However, we just want to give them tools so they can help survivors get back on track. The idea is not necessarily to fix these people but try to walk along side them as they heal." Are you in an abusive relationship? (sidebar) If you answer yes to any of the below questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.
Are you a batterer? (sidebar) If you answered yes to any of the below questions, it is possible you are a batterer.
© Copyright 2004 Gary Legwold and Conrad Henry Press. All rights reserved. |
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